Love's Bitch

It has been nearly a year since I last wrote in this, but it's never too late to start all over again. Let me fill you in on the events of this little Scorpion's last year, and by the way, forgive me but my poetic skills have been gunned down. And they died. But, experimenting with necromancy, I will try and ressurect them so that you will love me again. Because I'm cool.

The captors of my heart, three wonderful demons; deceptively beautiful but cold and evil, yet I can fault them not for I am consumed. I am caught in a maelstrom where I have been torn apart and lost in these other three water signs, for I am one myself. Who would have guessed that water is soluble in water, for I have dissolved into them. Why am I always attracted to enigmatic, asian water-signs with a hell of an inner-bitch? Answer, because they're amazing and in their eyes I see the sun, the moon and the stars shining brightly, pulling me in to their infinite depths.

The Cancer has changed and is no longer so benign. I don't even exist to her, and yet she continues to eat away at my insides; feeding off of my slow demise. I sit around her everyday but I don't think she has said a word to me since my last journal entry. The foreign Cancer speaking in a language she knows I can not speak, and all of a sudden it is just like my old group again who would rather I didn't exist. I would stab myself through the heart with my own stinger if it would change me to her pleasing, but she cannot tell me what my fault is. Her pincers have a strangle hold around my neck, her eyes and soul hidden by her shell.

Through the maelstrom I saw a golden, shining fish swimming my way. And this fish understood me, or so it seemed. Despite our many differences, it seemed we thought alike, and she was beautiful. This Pisces, more like a siren, had my heart, and knew it. Her seductive powers brought me to life and the part of me, the joy I had been searching for, lost inside the storm, came back to me again, in her hands. We laughed, we were friends, we sweet-talked each other and I thought I had found an eternal sanctuary inside the whirlpool. It was like a wonderful dream, and apparently that was all it was. The siren ripped the joy out of my heart and swam away. But I love her; I can let her go because her happiness is paramount to me. Now, this year, I am forced to watch as the siren tries to break me, but I do not care. She chose not to be in my life anymore so my eight legs are taking me in new directions in search of new love. She holds onto another, her so-called mate, in a petty attempt to make me lash out with my stinger. Maybe that would turn her on (take note, brain). I know I sound like a self-absorbed little arachnid water-sign, but she does support my theory. Her subtle glances in my direction to gauge my reaction, her way of blatantly ignoring me where possible, and yet I still miss what we have without being angry.

And finally, though this year she does not impact on my life at all, I still find myself looking longingly out of the window as my mother drives me home to see her walking home. My final water-sign; a fellow Scorpion. That is all I have ever really been able to do; stare from the outside and catch glances at her sitting down the rows from me in class. I loved the way she used her stinger in class, firing barbs at teachers who mostly deserved it. Other people can't see it, can they; how unbelieveably sexy she is and her beauty? But I guess that makes me lucky. Last year, my prayers were answered; I spent a whole month (thirty school days) praying that during those thirty days, we would get to do an assignment together. I tell you, I have never been so glad to do music because it happened. I still thank the universe to this day. An assignment for music brought us to the eye of the storm and at last we could see each other clearly. And I saw how beautiful she was. We were so alike; I had no idea. The day I visited her house, the day I talked to her, really talked to her, and watched the Cowboy Beebop movie with her on her computer is still the happiest day of my life. And yet, since I went to the anime convention with her and since I was her incredibly desperate to make her feel special and impess her Kris Kringle, we haven't talked since. It's such a shame; unlike the other two crushes which I have gotten over, I think I really do feel more for her...

I think I love her...

But, seeing as this will probably be my last year at this school, in this storm, nothing is to become of this. If they could let me express my feelings, if I could just be with them for one week, I would do everything in my power to make sure they remembered that week forever. I would tell them exactly how beautiful they are, make them feel special and, damn it, this Scorpion would turn into shining knight of a unicorn for them because that is what they deserve. They should be treated as though they are my goddess and I am worshipping them. God, I want them to feel so wonderful.

I hope things start to go my way this term; it would be nice to have a reason to stay at NSGHS. But man, so many people at this school have stingers but, being the chivalrous Scorpio I am, I can't fight back because people are to cowardly to challenge this brave warrior of love to a duel. I wish for a girlfriend (perhaps I need to pray again), just so that I had somebody to fight for and someone I could treat so specially...

At the same time, my hormone levels are starting to get to me and it turns out that weird voice in my head has transformed into the horny little monster within. And sadly, pincers are not very good for masturbation and stingers seem far too heterosexual. God, I hope I don't get any worse with age, which I know I will. Too much excitement and I'll be walking around whimpering like a spayed dog. A very cute one though, so maybe people will offer me pity action ^^. Thank god I'm not a guy; they still have to guess what I'm thinking.

Damn, I wish I had enough confidence to be sexy. It's hard to strut with eight legs and pincers. I always end up tripping over my own stinger. So I have to settle for being that nice loser kid on the TV shows who is hated by all the other characters, liked by everyone watching the show (in other words, you people reading my life story...Hi!) and is, unfortunately, like a close friend no one can take seriously rather than a love interest.

I met a girl who had been in one of my unfriendly friend groups for a year or so but I didn't know a thing about on the bus to Chatswood after school one day. Man, she's awesome! She takes drama with me and we just finished constructing a play for drama together, along with two other fantastic people I wish I knew better. It was the best conversation I'd had since coming to this selective school. I wonder what her star-sign is...just so I could be sweet and poetic about her. There isn't that same chemistry that I feel towards the other three, but then again I think chemistry can be overrated. What matters is that I like her and get along with her. I wish we could have a real friendship. She matters to me. I wish I had gotten to know her when I was in her group...then again back then I was a git and I would have stuffed it up.

I'll start writing in this again, probably, if I can be bothered. And, if anyone at my school happens to read this and recognise who I am (Year nine...) then, please, refer your curious, open to experimentation friends to my palace of love. *wink* Hmm. I really do hope something changes here so that I can stay at this school happily. So please, loyal readers and fans of mine, wish me luck.

Side note: Some of you already know who I am, but I'd prefer to keep my details a secret now. If you've read my previous journal then you'd know something of me, but things are different now. Not me per say, although I am a better person now I think, but the people around me are different. Finally.

Now on with my journal.

Ah, there is a cancer growing on me. The astrological sign of Cancer, of course. Let's just say that I am glad there is no cure for her. And I thought my previous crush was a big one...Well that goes to show what I know.

I've been doing a lot of praying since becoming her friend (I think she's inadvertantly restored my faith in God by purely being a part of my life) and it's mostly for a possibility that we could be...you know...together, but I'm just grateful to have her. She isn't my only friend or the only person I get along with, but damn it didn't take long for her to become the centre of my universe. Finally I have found another chick who plays Final Fantasy!!! A MIRACLE!!!

I can't get her out of my head, at least not easily. I've even been reduced to the point of checking my astrological horoscopes to see if there's any mention of luck with her in my love-life. Pathetic, aren't I? Heheh, I know. Let's just say that this here Scorpion is glad she doesn't have the over-characterised sting of her kind. Or at least I try not to...I mean, I am what I am but yeah.

On another note, I have joined a band-to-be and got my little pincers on a nifty bass guitar. Yes, all your bass are belong to me. I have never felt so right with an instrument, and I have tried many instruments (few for very long) with less-right results. I feel as though life is on my side and I am just so thankful to any higher power up there giving me all these oppurtunities and turning me in the right direction. Who knows? Maybe it won't be long at all until Uberdork goes platinum.

I will finally have my amp by tomorrow too! (Later last week my eight, arachnid, arthopodic legs)

I still can't get her out of my head, which is a good thing. I wonder if she knows how beautiful she is? I wonder if there is anything she keeps behind her shell that I have yet to uncover. Trust me, she doesn't hide in that shell very much. Even her name shows just how beautiful she really is. So melodic, I could sound it out for hours or repeat it endlessly in my head...and I often have.

Well the numerology and tarot cards have done nothing to help. Damn, why can't they better apply divination to the homosexual community...and in fact to everyone under the age of eighteen? I guess I'll just have to wait and see how everything unfolds...*sigh* I dislike waiting for something so important, and you'd think I would have mastered patience by now.

In the end however, I would rather have her as a friend than not have her at all so even if she doesn't swing my way I should be able to live with it. But I have my preference. My horoscope says something good'll happen with love next month (and by that I mean REALLY good) so I'll just keep my pincers crossed, pray really hard and believe in it so deeply that I will end up willing it into existence, as we Scorpios are apparently able to do.

There is nothing I want more than to hold my little Cancer and whisper in her ear about how much she means to me; how much I love her. God, I would never let her forget that. All I want is the freedom to love her, to devote myself to her and make her happy. That's all I want, but it's rather impossible to do at this stage, however I'm glad that I can at least be there for her as a friend.

Well maybe one day.

Ah to be thirteen, intelligent and gay is quite a thing. You should all try it sometime...You start to notice things too. My god, have any of you realised how often the word 'gay' is used as a term of insult and abuse? Well, I have.

Anywhom, as I'm sure anybody who has bothered to read this has guessed, I really don't have much of a stinger. I'm not all that poisonous either. I might make people nauseous at times or have them running off, screaming and arm-flailing with fear but I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. I would be beaten with sticks, or at least teased dramatically but light-heartedly if my mates knew that.

That's all I can put for now...prepare for poetry...uh this is what I told my friend about 'Her' over MSN

Me: And I thought my last crush was a biggie; I practically hated that chick compared to this one.
Friend: Well dont let them get to ya... trust me when i say theres always more!
Me: ...what? huh? ??????
Friend: More crushes...
Me: ??????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!! I don't want there to be more...
Friend: sorry.... *pats your sholder* thats how it goes!
Me: But I want my Melody to forever be imprinted upon my voice, for Melody is the melody of my life and I will always sing for her...*Melodies of life plays in background* She is growing on me like the (zodiac) Cancer that she is, and I am sure as hell glad that there is no cure for her!
Friend: :D
Me: Our pincers will forever remain locked until this world is no more, and even after then the Crab and the Scorpion of Cancer and Scorpio will remain bound, united and nothing will ever come between us, lest they taste my poison!!! We will return to the waters from whence our signs came and flow together down the raging rivers of time...eternally... Nothing can ever take her away from me, because she is my world and that cannot be taken.
*silence*
Me: Okay I'm done now.

But I could have gone on...

I think I should tell her that, and maybe she'll turn gay:D